Sometimes I have the urge to self-harm. Most usually this urge is fulfilled by a distraction from my feelings to considering other things. I drown out my thoughts through music, movies, or sometimes even writing. But the other night my exterior efforts were not cutting it, (or me for that matter). So instead I grabbed a pen. I looked up pictures on Pinterest for something that would catch my eye that I wanted to draw. I eventually came upon the image of this shark and something just said “yes”! So with inspiration I picked a place to draw and got started. It wasn’t until after I had spent the 30+ minutes on it that I realized this was exactly what I needed.
I first was looking at my body trying to decide where I wanted to put this image of the shark. In the past when considering placement of tattoos I have always looked for places that would be hidden, or out of plain view to any onlookers so I wouldn’t have to deal with any questions. I also avoid larger parts of my body because I haven’t ever liked the idea of having one big permanent picture in any place of my body.. but tonight was different. I saw my thigh and again it just hit me in such a way that I decided it was where I should draw. So I did. From the first stroke of the pen on my skin I felt relief and attuned to my surroundings. Relief came with each continual stroke of the pen and I found myself very awake and alert through the process where I was falling asleep moments before.
The spirals and swirls of the design brought into focus the space between each dark line. I realized that the picture I was creating was really bringing into focus the space between my lines rather than focusing on the lines themselves. This reminded me of a concept I had been studying a few weeks prior in a book on Ayurveda. The idea of space really being the connecting force of all things. So continuing to focus on the space between the lines also helped me to connect with the space between other objects and thoughts in my life at the moment. This brought much needed connection to my life that I had lost and was therefore looking to harm rather than to heal or connect. A lot of the pain I was feeling was a loss of connection and drawing this shark brought that connection back into my life.
The idea of the shark is also one of importance to me. A while back someone asked me what my “spirit animal” was. For so long I would always say it was the elephant. The peace and contemplation, the memory and maternal instincts, the kindness as a whole was something I respect so greatly that I wanted it to be my animal. But not long ago I was reflecting again and realized there was probably a better animal to suit who I am, not just who I want to be. First thought was that of a mountain goat. I love the mountains and could get stuck playing there for days and be a happy camper (pun intended). Not to mention the stubbornness I have which is akin to that of a goat. However, I also have a wonderful connection to water and the sea and felt a need to incorporate that into my spirit animal. The animal I eventually decided upon was the mountain shark. (I know it doesn’t make sense, but that is a whole different post to explain). Essentially the significance I want to point out at this point is that sharks must always be moving forward in order to survive. If they try to swim backwards or even stop swimming they will drown and die. At this point in my life I feel the same way. I can’t go backwards as it fills my lungs with water, and staying where I am will also create that sense of drowning in my soul. I have to move forward.
All in all the shark tattoo embodied more than just an animal I like, but it became a symbol of the experiences I was having and how I wanted to get out of them. It became an outlet that connected me back to myself and grounded me in the here and now. I know this isn’t well written, but it’s the beginning of an idea I am trying to understand. So of course the first draft isn’t going to be perfect, but if I never wrote it there wouldn’t be a second draft to compare.
Soul Spilling 