Sometimes I have the urge to self-harm. Most usually this urge is fulfilled by a distraction from my feelings to considering other things. I drown out my thoughts through music, movies, or sometimes even writing. But the other night my exterior efforts were not cutting it, (or me for that matter). So instead I grabbed a pen. I looked up pictures on Pinterest for something that would catch my eye that I wanted to draw. I eventually came upon the image of this shark and something just said “yes”! So with inspiration I picked a place to draw and got started. It wasn’t until after I had spent the 30+ minutes on it that I realized this was exactly what I needed.

I first was looking at my body trying to decide where I wanted to put this image of the shark. In the past when considering placement of tattoos I have always looked for places that would be hidden, or out of plain view to any onlookers so I wouldn’t have to deal with any questions. I also avoid larger parts of my body because I haven’t ever liked the idea of having one big permanent picture in any place of my body.. but tonight was different. I saw my thigh and again it just hit me in such a way that I decided it was where I should draw. So I did. From the first stroke of the pen on my skin I felt relief and attuned to my surroundings. Relief came with each continual stroke of the pen and I found myself very awake and alert through the process where I was falling asleep moments before.

The spirals and swirls of the design brought into focus the space between each dark line. I realized that the picture I was creating was really bringing into focus the space between my lines rather than focusing on the lines themselves. This reminded me of a concept I had been studying a few weeks prior in a book on Ayurveda. The idea of space really being the connecting force of all things. So continuing to focus on the space between the lines also helped me to connect with the space between other objects and thoughts in my life at the moment. This brought much needed connection to my life that I had lost and was therefore looking to harm rather than to heal or connect. A lot of the pain I was feeling was a loss of connection and drawing this shark brought that connection back into my life.

The idea of the shark is also one of importance to me. A while back someone asked me what my “spirit animal” was. For so long I would always say it was the elephant. The peace and contemplation, the memory and maternal instincts, the kindness as a whole was something I respect so greatly that I wanted it to be my animal. But not long ago I was reflecting again and realized there was probably a better animal to suit who I am, not just who I want to be. First thought was that of a mountain goat. I love the mountains and could get stuck playing there for days and be a happy camper (pun intended). Not to mention the stubbornness I have which is akin to that of a goat. However, I also have a wonderful connection to water and the sea and felt a need to incorporate that into my spirit animal. The animal I eventually decided upon was the mountain shark. (I know it doesn’t make sense, but that is a whole different post to explain). Essentially the significance I want to point out at this point is that sharks must always be moving forward in order to survive. If they try to swim backwards or even stop swimming they will drown and die. At this point in my life I feel the same way. I can’t go backwards as it fills my lungs with water, and staying where I am will also create that sense of drowning in my soul. I have to move forward.

All in all the shark tattoo embodied more than just an animal I like, but it became a symbol of the experiences I was having and how I wanted to get out of them. It became an outlet that connected me back to myself and grounded me in the here and now. I know this isn’t well written, but it’s the beginning of an idea I am trying to understand. So of course the first draft isn’t going to be perfect, but if I never wrote it there wouldn’t be a second draft to compare.

It’s a sweet image to consider my future. The realization of my dreams splayed out in front of my mind’s eye. The children, the career, the understanding, the associations, the things that give me hope where I am today. Will I ever get there? This thought haunts so many of my thoughts that when I instead consider the realization of my dreams I am awestruck at how beautiful it all is.

I don’t think the future would be near as beautiful or bright if I didn’t go through the dark and dreary times that I am now. I would have nothing to compare or contrast to. These times that I dread living in now are what will make my future worth living when I get there. Seldom are people happy where they are. They focus on the past or on the future but neglect the moment they are in, wishing for “happier” times. Well “happy” is a pipe dream and not a reality. A true reality however is joy.

Joy allows us to look at the future with hope. Joy is the feeling of excitement when you see a post that someone younger than you is getting married or having a child. Joy does not compare, but rather rejoices in everything good. Being happy is fleeting, but finding joy is the long-lasting dream we are all truly hoping for.

Before my view is a lake, not anything of particular note, but beautiful nonetheless. Something within me pulls me forward and I find myself stepping slowly into the water. The first step sends a shiver down my spine as my body responds to the cool water. The second step is grounding. Third step and I feel the water reaching a little higher to where my whole foot is now submerged and I feel the line of the water around my ankles.

As I step further and further I notice the feeling of the bottom of the lake. It is a slimy mud that squishes between my toes. Each step I take my feet sink a little deeper inside. Once the water has reached my knees I pause and look around me. The trees surrounding the lake seem to be dancing to the whistle of the wind. I sway back and forth mimicking their motions. My hands draw across the top of the water creating ripples and sending little sprays of water around me. A smile crosses my face and I sit, plunking into the water creating a wonderful splash.

It is here that I find myself now, sitting and experiencing. I breathe deeply taking in all the sights and smells that surround me. My eyes become heavy and I let them drift to a close. My mind is quite and I notice the dirt and mud sinking back to the floor of the lake, resting on my as it makes its journey to the bottom. Small particles that make up the existence of my experience. I take a moment to feel it all.

When my eyes slowly open I see the water around me still, as a sheet of glass. The reflection of the trees contrast the translucent water I am peering through. Still and quite, I find myself alive.

There are some things that just feed your soul. The first time you try it or hear it or smell it or experience it any anyway you just know that it has changed you. You feel a warmth in your chest, or a sensation of chills up your back, the hairs on your arms stand up and you feel a little weak in your knees. Or maybe you experience the feeling of safety. Feeling so secure yet not knowing how to describe it. The things that feed our souls are not all the same and very seldom are felt in the same ways, but they are real and should be sought after.

This life is too short to be wondering what our passions are or if we are following the right path in life. If we can identify the things that feed our soul and seek after them I think a huge part of that battle has already been won. The things that feed who we are at the very core are essential to experiencing not only happiness in life, but also joy.

Some of the things that feed my soul are cranberry juice, yoga, fog, the word of God, MUSIC, water, mountains, feet, art, writing, meaningful conversation, popcorn.